Angry Flat Cap vs Digital Marketing

From what I can tell, digital marketing consists of posting lots of stuff that no one pays that much attention to. After four years of writing for a non-existent audience, I reckon I’d make a great digital marketer.

I decided to send a marketing pitch to Brian Timoney, a method acting coach whose ads have been following me across the internet for the best part of a year:

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I had a look at his site. His year-long Ultimate Acting Course seems pretty expensive for one weekend a month.

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The site also had a picture of Brian Timoney with Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti looks delighted.

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Anyway, I don’t know why I keep seeing these ads for an expensive acting course. My acting is fucking sick. Ask Mrs Reynolds, who had the honour of directing me as ‘Narrator #2’ in the Nativity at my primary school back in 1992. De Niro would have shat himself. Actually, I think one of my classmates did shit himself. Though that was probably more down to him being four years old at the time.

Anyhow, banner ads are about as effective as a hydrogen fire axe, so I decided to get in touch and offer my talents.

Dear Brian,

I was ambling through the internet recently when I came across a couple of your adverts. It was asking if I wanted to discover the five most common mistakes made by aspiring actors. I’m not sure why I received this, as I have no aspirations and I’m not an actor.

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Since then, I’ve been seeing your ads everywhere. They want to know if I’d be up for going on a method acting course. Look! Here’s another one!

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I don’t really need any kind of acting course, though I’m sure there are plenty of other people who do. That’s why I’m getting in touch today: I want to help you reach more people.

Banner ads are all over the place now. They might as well be invisible. In fact, I currently have a patent pending for an invisibility suit where the wearer is covered in banner ads. No one pays them the slightest bit of notice. What you need is something more immediate, more hypnotic. That’s why I’ve gone to the trouble of making you a jingle video:

What do you think? Catchy, right? But why stop there? Why not think outside of the box and target new audiences? I don’t think anyone’s ever tried to market method acting to the black metal crowd. How come? Half of those bands are always in costume. I’m sure they’d love Brian Timoney’s Acting Tips.

You’ve made a name for yourself by dispensing acting tips, now why not branch out? It’s all about diversification these days. Look at Kirsty Allsopp, she started out doing property programmes and now she does shows about bunting and shit. I’ve commissioned a few concept sketches for you.

Okay, coding in schools is about to become huge. Why not do an educational programme called ‘Brian Timoney’s Hacking Tips’:

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Everyone loves to be that pedantic person who has a fact for every conversational topic… how about ‘Brian Timoney’s Facting Tips’:

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Sure it might sometimes make you sick and your tap water flammable, but who cares? The shale gas revolution is coming to Britain! ‘Brian Timoney’s Fracking Tips’:

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Anyhow, let me know what you reckon. You could be on to a really good thing here. I, for one, am excited. Here’s a picture of you riding a drama tiger, just to show how committed I am to this project.

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Warm Regards,

Liam Butler

Two months since I sent this and I have yet to hear anything. Yep, I’d be a mint internet marketer.

Thanks to the wonderfully talented Lee Rule and Elly Skelton for lending their respective riffing and sketching skills .

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